


we were two halves

by dystopianDebaucher



Category: NU'EST, Produce 101 (TV), Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Office, Anxiety, Drinking, M/M, lapslock
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-07
Updated: 2017-10-24
Packaged: 2019-01-10 00:56:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12287859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dystopianDebaucher/pseuds/dystopianDebaucher
Summary: plot twist: the person you let in doesn't actually destroy youEDIT: discontinued :c





	1. will you stay

**Author's Note:**

> TW: ANXIETY, VOMITING
> 
> i feel like i should add more tags but really this is an impulse write n i apologise
> 
> wow look @ me writing another series when i have two ongoing and i hate myself w0w

short and sweet, direct to the point, a smile at the end as a bonus. this was how kim jonghyun had always socialised, how he'd always make sure no one gets in.

\--

it's been a while since he last went to a party, been a while since he's last shared a drink with someone besides his succulent--all this because they're celebrating not only their new co-worker but also a new venture of the company: a partnership with UWUNQLO. there's a reason he makes sure his succulent would bear the brunt of his alcohol-related endeavours but unfortunately for him, peer (and boss) pressure was relentless in the wake of a newly signed partnership.

it takes him around three bottles to be completely out of it, eyes glazed over as he saunters from table to table to leech off of everyone's newly cooked meat. he finally settles down in the corner where his 'designated sober buddy' co-worker was, sitting snugly beside him, resting his head like he was already 1) allowed to do so and 2) even close enough to the said co-worker to be invading his personal space like its nobody's business. said co-worker's name is hwang minhyun, and besides the fact that he's always the last sober person whenever they have their company dinners, he knows nothing.

"you okay?" a soft voice asks, prompting him to look up at the boy whose brows were furrowed in worry. he hums in reply, nodding his head ever so slightly before he moves to nuzzle his forehead against the other's shoulder. "you sure?" he's asked again, to which his only response was falling asleep, head slipping from the boy's shoulder to his lap.

when he wakes up, they're one (two, technically) of the eight people left in the restaurant, the feeling of wanting to vomit overriding whatever apology was going to come out of his mouth when he moved to get up. he immediately rushed to the bathroom (which wasn't a good thing, it only made everything so much worse), on his knees and vomiting the moment he opens a cubicle. this entire night was the _worst_ he groans, eyes shut as he kept vomiting.

his body doesn't quite register anything after he's done, sighing as he leans back, his back and forehead drenched in sweat. "feeling better?" a disembodied voice asks, making jonghyun wonder if it's god. he was wrong, but the other's features made him feel like his guess was _close enough_. it was hwang minhyun again, and now he not only brings water, but also tissues. he moves to clean jonghyun's face, wiping vomit from the edges of his mouth and sweat from his forehead. he cleans everything up and jonghyun wonders what kind of angel has descended upon the earth and has graced him with their presence. he doesn't remember anything after that, passing out once again the moment the other wraps his arms around him to help him get up.

\--

the second time he wakes up, he's in an unfamiliar bed in an unfamiliar room in unfamiliar clothes. he, unfortunately, barely remembers anything and the entire situation made his face go up in flames. he scrambled out of bed only to be greeted with the scent of a lovely breakfast presented to him the moment he opens the door.

"oh, you're up?" the man stumbles back, a breakfast-in-bed-esque tray in hand.

"i...i'm sorry--" he manages, taking a step back to allow the man into what he would presume to be his room. "i must've caused so much trouble, i'm so sorry, i'll get out of your hair real quick i--"

"calm down." the other speaks up, placing the tray down on the bedside table before motioning for jonghyun to sit in bed once more. "you caused me no trouble and you're welcome to stay for breakfast--in fact, i insist. i already made it, after all. don't want it to go to waste." he hums, waiting for jonghyun to hop in bed before quote-unquote _serving_ breakfast. 

jonghyun keeps quiet throughout breakfast, the man--minhyun, he recalls--sitting beside him in bed and doing the same. after breakfast, jonghyun moves to help with the clean up, insisting that he wasn't a guest but currently a freeloader. this makes minhyun laugh, and he swears he could see stars surrounding the other as he did so.

the morning goes by quietly: they take turns taking a shower, got everything cleaned up, and now they were in the living room, absentmindedly watching the morning news. how jonghyun ended up staying later than usual, he didn't quite understand, but there he was, now helping the other set up for dinner.

he wasn't quite sure what made minhyun feel so...like _home_. he felt safe in what he deemed to be unknown territory and he didn't know what else to say when the other invited him to stay for the day, just to make sure he gets rest after last night's fiasco. dinner goes by as silent and as fast as breakfast and lunch, minhyun getting up to do the dishes while jonghyun cleans up the table. it's odd--their routine for the day made it seem like they've known each other for years, not hours, and it made jonghyun even more nervous. how should he act around him now? next time? will there even be a next time? he's so caught up in his thoughts he doesn't even notice minhyun calling his name until his shoulder's tapped and he's graced by a soft smile and huff short of a chuckle.

"earth to jonghyun?" minhyun hums, lips pursed. "so, will you stay the night again? it's still the weekend and i really don't mind."

shock is evident in his features as he shakes his head, moving towards the kitchen to put back the cleaning supplies, washing his hands after. "it's fine, i don't want to impose any more than i already have--" "you haven't imposed in the slightest--" "--and i know i'm a heap of trouble so--" "--you've actually been quite the help around the house--" "it's fine i'll go home i'll make sure to wash all your things then return it to you on monday and i'll even treat you to three meals to compensate--" "--you don't need to compensate for anything--" "--and i'm so sorry for everything and oh golly i really can't do anything right and--" "jonghyun-ah." "hm?" "breathe."

and he does. the entire conversation--if you could call it that--was a mess and it was full of minhyun telling him he's done no wrong when he's done all the wrong possible and has imposed so much and now he doesn't even want thanks for it and _oh_ does this mean he doesn't want anything else to do with him? it makes sense since he's caused so much trouble and oh gosh all this internal monologue-ing is making him dizzy and-- "jonghyun-ah." "yes!" he replies, far too enthusiastic sounding to brush off. "you're overthinking again." "oh--i'm sorry i-- _again?_ "

"you don't remember?"

"don't remember what..." _oh no_. no no no no no _no_. oversharing was always a bad habit he had, and now he's sure that bad habit resurfaced given that he was intoxicated last night. "i...i'm sorry i--" he huffed, immediately crouching down and scratching his head furiously. why did he have to overshare again? now that his wounds are all out in the open (maybe, he still doesn't remember what he told the other, but he's sure nothing that comes out of his mouth is a good thing now--not now, not back then, not ever), he's _sure_ he's getting kicked out--both of this apartment that oddly reminded him of home and out of the man's--the man who was able to give him and his internal demons, peace--life.

minhyun walked over and moved to carry jonghyun over to the sofa, shushing him and quelling the demons that were just about to burst through the seams of his entire being with his voice. "it's fine. you're fine." he chanted, holding him close and giving him the body warmth that he previously _feared_ , enveloping him in what felt like all the things good in the world--all the things he doesn't deserve. "you're fine. i'm here. it'll be okay." he repeats, playing with his hair as he does so. 

it takes a while before jonghyun melts into his embrace, a small sign that he's calmed down, hands moving to push himself away from the warmth that protected him, looking at minhyun with uncertain eyes.

"it's fine. let's talk. you're fine. we're fine. let's just talk for a bit again, yeah?"

and he nods. he's not sure why, but he nods. and he knows that him nodding was the best decision he's made since he started existing in this planet, because the moment he does minhyun shoots him such a blinding smile that made him forget all of the bad things, even if it was just for a second.


	2. by my side

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sometimes, it only takes a night (or rather, a more sober sleepover)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> currently nursing a migraine and decided to be emo about it LMAO nc1 @ self

he's not sure where to start.

he's sober now, and much more alert towards the figure beside him, their bodies snug and warm under the blanket, the other waiting for him to start speaking. they said they'd talk, that was the plan. suddenly, he wanted out. curse handsome men and their ability to make you forget all your bad decisions.

he took a deep breath, trying to calm the raging storm inside his chest (and his raging head ache). this really was too much for him but lo and behold, he simply _had_ to meet everyone's expectations of him and if minhyun expected him to talk, he'll talk. "h...how much do you know....." he trails off, unsure if he really wants to hear the answer, but it's a start. at least this way, he doesn't have to talk as much.

"probably everything?" the other replies, a short hum following after as he shifts in his position ever so slightly to lean against jonghyun, the side of their heads knocking against each other gently. "you started by telling me about high school." jonghyun let out a small groan as soon as he'd heard the words _high school_. there was never anything noteworthy about his high school experience, besides the fact that it was probably the worst years of his life. or rather, some of? he's had worse days, he supposes. 

\--

_"jonghyun-ah, cheer up!"_

_"stop looking so glum, jonghyun-ah."_

_"are you depressed? you're depressed, aren't you?"_

_"what would you expect from the top student...."_

_barely anyone even exchanged greetings with him, opting to rather comment on his appearance and nature instead. he was quiet, laid back, and never really bothered interacting with others. some called him creepy, some called in an introvert. the latter was probably more correct, but given that he's developed a habit of staring when lost in his thoughts, he can't really deny the former, either. his entire high school life he couldn't escape the stigma of him being a depressed creep, the bespectacled pervert, the pretentious top student. and that's all he knew about himself since then (though he's ditched the glasses and opted for contacts)._

\--

"then in college, you said you thought you found yourself." minhyun continues, making no moves to change their position. 

college, for jonghyun, was his time to shine. it was his chance to start anew in an environment that was so different from his last. where no one knew the old him, no one knew the box he was trying so hard to break out of. though, in the end, it only caused him more trouble than he thought, more confusion implanted into his psyche as he went through the four years of self-torture. he broke out of a box only to find himself in an even bigger and stronger one. he didn't think he could break it then, and a part of him still says he hasn't.

\-- 

_he thought he found his real self this time around, his newly debuted fashion sense and contact lenses making it seem like the world was ten times brighter than it really was. he still had top marks, studying his ass off while trying to keep a solid circle of friends._

_by the time he's in his second year, he's joined a dance club with his classmate from marketing ethics (his name was minki and the first time he saw him, he thought he was a painting). suddenly, he found a passion within himself that he didn't know he had. finally, he thinks, he's found himself._

_by the time he's on the path of graduation, his entire world falls apart. it's not the first time, that's obvious, but the internal collapse of his world had never affected his reality in this way before. "jonghyun, we're getting a divorce." his mom tells him as soon as he gets home from college, his backpack falling to his side as he stares at them in shock. "do you want to stay with one of us or would you rather live alone? we'll still support you financially, don't worry." his father adds, in a tone that matches the tone he takes when he reads aloud the news during breakfast._

_he thought they were a normal family. he thought they were okay, in a sense. though he's never really attuned himself to the feelings of others, he thinks. it's his fault; he didn't see it coming and he should've._

_"jonghyun-ah, you haven't been coming to the club much anymore, huh." minki tells him once, over coffee as they crammed their paper together at a nearby starbucks._

_"i don't have the time." he tells him, though really he's lost all interest. he doesn't have the time and energy to do something that won't benefit his future in any way, he tells himself, reasoning out why he slowly backed out even though he knew in his heart he'd finally found something he could dedicate his life to. but he knew better. he knew it wouldn't bring in much._

_it hurt him that over the course of their last year in college, he's lost touch with so many people, including minki. and his poor attempts at inserting himself into their lives only make himself push them away more upon the realisation that one, he did this to himself and two, he can't blame them from leaving. it doesn't help the fact that his parent's papers are finalised right before finals week and the air became more and more suffocating as each day passes. his father leaves their house first. apparently, he's found another woman he loves more than his mother, and his mother's hysterics only push him away even more._

_he's losing people, and he can't do anything about it. he's losing people, and it's all his fault._

\--

"then there's when you entered the company." minhyun finishes, his short recounting of the events (though really, he just listed down the times in jonghyun's life wherein he realised that the only thing he's ever truly found is loneliness) becoming the go signal for jonghyun's inner demons to unleash itself in their entirety. and this only resulted in jonghyun's tears rolling off the side of his face, biting down at his lower lips as curls up against minhyun, shaking his head. 

\--

_the only thing he's learned how to do is to make the most impossible of projects succeed and make his superiors happy. this, he accomplishes by practicing smiling in front of his mirror every morning for five minutes. this, he accomplishes by working overtime for the past two years then managing his ours that his lunch break doesn't exceed ten minutes the next two. this, he accomplishes by selling his soul off to the devil, completely sacrificing himself to his work and nothing else. this, he accomplishes by isolating himself, and resigning himself to his fate of being a corporate slave the rest of his life._

_he's become an empty shell by the time his 24th birthday comes around and he doesn't even realise. he's become attuned to his bleak and lifeless lifestyle that all of his messages were work-related and he's barely learned the names of his co-workers for the past four years (given that they've come and gone, and that he's never really been good at names)._

_all that he's ever lived for had caused so many internal deaths. all that he's lived for had only ever made him want to die._

\--

minhyun's cradling him again before he realises it, and he's not sure why he feels so safe in the arms of another. but then, he muses, he's never really had the chance to experience this before he met minhyun.

it takes him a while to calm down again, minhyun not saying a thing as he cradles him, playing with his hair and humming lullabies while doing so. he looks up once he's calmer, apologies written across his features but before he could even utter a word, minhyun beats him to it. "it's fine." he tells him, a smile so blinding gracing his features, leaving jonghyun to think that he truly is in a presence of a god.

they stay in this position for a while, jonghyun wrapping his arms around minhyun's middle, resting his head on the other's shoulder blades, listening to his heartbeat. he finally speaks up after the sound of minhyun's heartbeat calms him down, taking a deep breath before doing so.

"i'm scared." he starts off, clutching onto minhyun's clothes. "that everyone will leave me. that everyone will see the me that i've tried so hard to hide all these years and realise i'm not worth anything." he adds, burying his face in minhyun's chest, muttering against it. "i'm scared that i won't be able to meet anyone's expectations anymore and it's just so hard and i know i don't have to, so many people have advised me on this already, but i can't help it."

minhyun lets him ramble against his chest for a while, the next words that come out of the other's mouth inaudible as it's mixed with small hiccups and sniffles. he waits for the other to look up at him again before he starts talking, keeping the smile he's had on the entire while--it's to reassure jonghyun in a way, but it's also a because he's shite at hiding his emotions and a part of him is far too happy that jonghyun's actually opening up to him. "you already know you don't need to meet everyone's expectations. people have already told you you don't have to and given that, i don't think they'd leave you for not doing so." he starts, squeezing the other in a tight embrace for a second before continuing. "you'll wear yourself out before you can meet anyone's expectations at this rate. but, well, do you know why you constantly have to meet everyone's expectations?"

"it's...." he trails off, shaking his head (in conviction rather than in disapproval). "i only know who i am in relation to others." he explains, waving his hand dismissively. "i don't know who i am without anyone else to compare myself to. it's become a habit of sorts, because of my family upbringing." he takes a deep breath after that small spiel of his, pressing his ear against minhyun's chest again, staying close. "it's hard because i know i shouldn't be like this, but i don't know what to do anymore. i've pretty much resigned myself to my fate of being in a state of perpetual tiredness until death."

"you want to change though." he hums, lips pursed. "you just don't know how."

"i mean," he sighs, a small frown creeping onto his features, exerting all of his concentration into making sure he doesn't cry. he's been doing so the entire time, and so far so good. "this was how i was taught to live. and it's bad enough that my sense of self is dependant on others, so i can't really ask anyone for help for this either." another sigh, another piece of happiness escaping him. he doesn't have much left, he thinks, shaking his head. "i know it's because i don't trust myself enough, don't care for myself enough, don't love myself enough. i know all of this already. but it's...." he huffs, closing his eyes. "i'm tired."

"you're amazing." minhyun says, earning him an exhausted face of disbelief from jonghyun.

"how so?" he asks, brows furrowed.

"you know all of that already, you've got yourself figured out. the only thing missing now is changing it."

"which is the hardest part, if you haven't noticed." he waves his hand dismissively at minhyun, his weight completely on minhyun now and a part of him is telling himself to straighten up, but he's become so comfortable in his arms that his body refuses to listen.

"it's because that's the part where you need others' help, even if you think you'd become too dependant on them." minhyun smiles, looking at the clock placed beside the television in front of them before moving to lift jonghyun up (as effortless as though he's just picked up a child), moving towards the bedroom. he places jonghyun in the bed before he moves to get in with him, smiling and immediately spooning jonghyun as soon as his head hits the pillow. "i'll help, just you watch."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk how to write anymore i'm Sorry
> 
> was listening to [lost one by epik high](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S7VqQN_FW_A) while writing this so like yk it got emo real fast but it really was supposed to be emo so it's all good. it's such a good song btw go listen to it. also, i've made a song list blog that can be found [here](http://www.asianfanfics.com/blog/view/1230008) if y'all are interested!
> 
> i changed my @ on twitter but anyway [hmu](https://twitter.com/softhyunss)!!

**Author's Note:**

> i felt like a korean variety show or a lowkey anime trying to cover up that brand name like what am i doing
> 
> title taken from [this song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=an9g4JFmKcA) (should i make a list of all my songs lmao i feel like i use a lot)
> 
> anyway i hope you like it! i'll probably finish this within the next week since i slightly have it outlined (unlike all my other stories lmao) and i needed a break because next chapters for the royals!au will be sad


End file.
